Saturday, April 11, 2009

Now what?

I find myself sitting here in my bedroom at 7 in the morning....and Ive been "up" since 5am.
Ryan decided he wanted to be fussy and not sleep, then he wanted to play...but now he is snoozing in his swing (also in my room for JUST such an occasion..thank God for big bedrooms, eh?) I'm not so lucky to fall back asleep like a baby though.
I didn't really sleep well last night anyways..I was tossing and turning long before Ryan had me dealing with him. I woke up at 3:30 from a bad dream involving Kathy Bates hiding in my bathroom, and trying to stab me with a giant butcher knife when I realized she was in there. She had the big crazy eyes, an evil sinister smile, and everything when she was pushing it into my chest. I'm telling ya, it was so realistic....I had to turn on the light before I walked into the bathroom to use it...even if might wake up the sleeping baby. It was creepy..and the funny thing. I haven't seen Misery in a good 5 years. The last movie I saw her in was Disney's Annie for crying out loud!!
I'm not in a great mood today either, and I don't really know why. I'm feeling quite full up on emotions and that annoys me. Before Ryan was born. I was perfectly able to keep emotions, especially mine at bay. I'm not comfortable with them. I don't show or share them well, I don't deal with other people's well.....they just plain make me feel uber uncomfortable. I wear emotions like a nudist would wear a woolly pair of underoos. Anyways...Before Ryan was born...I could keep it contained. Then, I delivered the beautiful baby boy, started crying tears of joy and now...6 months later... I cant seem to stop em. The dam has blown and the floods have torn through. Emotions- to me, make me look weak. I don't see them that way with other people, but for me I guess it is different standards.
So...much to my dismay....I'm feeling a bit swamped by them, and at times I feel as though I'm drowning in them. I'm not sad. Not at all. I'm a happy person. I love my husband, I love my children. I love my friends. I love my life. I'm not depressed....I just don't know what to do with all the emotion. They aren't all sad don't go thinking that I'm some sort of crying, weeping, miserable fruitcake. They are emotions, period....The question is? What do I do with them, and why now?


  1. at least this time it isnt awake from some random dork calling you at 130 am...